collyrium

I am not resolute. In fact, I feel very on-edge. It sucks, and I don't know what to do. Still no word from Rachael or any of my auditions of late. That's making me nervous. For some reason, no matter how much I don't want to be with Rachael or see her or hear from her, I still want to, and that confuses me. It's getting towards moving time. February 12th is the day. If I have no options by then, I told myself I'd leave. I'm scared. I don't know anyone in Chicago or New York. I've never been on my own, either. I really don't know what to do. It's funny. You make these plans, and you really want to follow through with them, because they are what you want, but you're so fucking scared to do it that you feel frozen. I have times where I don't want to move anymore--like literally move my muscles and do something. I just want someone to do everything for me. I'm so afraid all the time. Your 20s are a scary thing. You start very much as a child and are expected to end as an adult. Who knows why I do theatre. It's a bad idea for me. It's 100% stupid. But I love it. I'm going to starve. As soon as I'm East, I will essentially have no real plan. That's kinda exciting, but mucho scary. My plan will be to figure out where I want to live. That's not a fun time.I need new headshots. I was considering asking Nathan. We'll see. I want to get more professional ones than I have. Maybe I really need to bite the bullet and shove out the money for real ones.This is what my brain is like. I am becoming more and more scatter-brained in my old age here. Ah well. If this life made sense, everyone would do it.