Tuesday, 8 May 2007
collyrium
I am not resolute. In fact, I feel very on-edge. It sucks, and I don't know what to do. Still no word from Rachael or any of my auditions of late. That's making me nervous. For some reason, no matter how much I don't want to be with Rachael or see her or hear from her, I still want to, and that confuses me. It's getting towards moving time. February 12th is the day. If I have no options by then, I told myself I'd leave. I'm scared. I don't know anyone in Chicago or New York. I've never been on my own, either. I really don't know what to do. It's funny. You make these plans, and you really want to follow through with them, because they are what you want, but you're so fucking scared to do it that you feel frozen. I have times where I don't want to move anymore--like literally move my muscles and do something. I just want someone to do everything for me. I'm so afraid all the time. Your 20s are a scary thing. You start very much as a child and are expected to end as an adult. Who knows why I do theatre. It's a bad idea for me. It's 100% stupid. But I love it. I'm going to starve. As soon as I'm East, I will essentially have no real plan. That's kinda exciting, but mucho scary. My plan will be to figure out where I want to live. That's not a fun time.I need new headshots. I was considering asking Nathan. We'll see. I want to get more professional ones than I have. Maybe I really need to bite the bullet and shove out the money for real ones.This is what my brain is like. I am becoming more and more scatter-brained in my old age here. Ah well. If this life made sense, everyone would do it.
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3 comments:
...back in Portland now. I figured you were pretty busy with things-- all the same though, it's sad if you do move that I didn't get a chance to see you.As regards your recent posts-- don't feel too alienated. Everyone undergoes this kind of terror, those kinds of contradictory emotions. It's difficult sometimes to sift out what you truly want, and what is simply habit-- what is a bad idea, and what is just unfamiliar (and therefore scary). I guess the best any of us can ever do is to try and keep reminding ourselves that while the choices we make and situations that arise do have an influence on our lives, rarely are they ever be-all end-all decisions or crisies. If Chicago or New York don't fit you, there is a whole world to explore until you find a place that does. Countless cities, theaters, shows, options. So long as you don't block yourself into a "This or nothing" mentality, there is little to no actual failure to fear. Moving is terrifying. Moving without an absolute plan is even moreso. Moving without a plan and without people to help you on the other end-- that takes some kind of crazy. But it's exciting, and it's stimulating-- trying something new that might prove any number of things. It takes you out of your comfort zone, and truly, I think that's one of the best ways to grow-- and in so doing to figure out what will make you happiest in the long run (by process of elimination, if nothing better). Anyhow.You've got my phone number if you ever want to sound off on these things. *b.
hey...I am coincidentally thinking of moving to Chicago and am actually going there on Saturday, en route back to Norway. I'm in San Diego now. You and I should hang. I will listen to you bitch, a lot if you want. It has to be Thursday or Friday. I'm at 6197953503 if you want to call. I'll try to call you.
I've been trying to respond to this and you for a while. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I have. I don't have your number anymore. Will you call me so we can talk?
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